Happy New Year! Welcome Twenty Ten!

So I'm old and it's only 9:30 but I've had my glass of champagne and baby G is asleep.  She actually fell asleep on her dad on the floor after her bottle.  Technically it's already Twenty Ten in someplaces so that's good enough for me because I'd rather be sleeping.  Well, that's semi-true at least.

I digress.  My bedtime reading took me to a webpage about synchronicity and then this link to what your reading says about you.  I'm posting this instead of something original because -see above-.  And, next year in addition to eating more fruits and vegetables and volunteering, I will be trying to read more...and be still more...sometimes. For example, I am looking for a fly fishing coach.  Seriously, there is flyfishing to be had in Arizona.

I digress again.  Here's the link and the list.  I know maybe 1/5th of these authors and this list had me chuckling!  Enjoy!  This chic is the one who started textsfromlastnight:

http://laurenleto.wordpress.com/readers-by-author/

Lobster, that's right, a post about food finally...sort of

So today after yoga and my rockin' 85 minute run around Reid park I decided to burn some time at Barnes and Noble before picking up baby G.  Stinking of high heaven I'm sure, though not like a sweaty, rental ski boot like the dude next to me in class, I meandered through the cookbooks (poor selection at Broadway) and finally to the magazines.  People- if you gotta look through an ENTIRE mag you ain't gonna buy, have some class and GO.TO.THE.LIBRARY.

Anyway, I picked up a mag named Gastronomique Fall 2009 with a beautiful orange glowing pumpkin-like orb on the front.  The article that caught my attention was the first I saw with pictures and it was Dali's Lobster phone.  If these links don't work you can google these:

And apparently he drew the lobster on this dress too.  How random right?

Dali was one of my fav artists along with Picasso, beginning in college.  I know embarrassingly little about them but I am fond of many of their most popular works like many many other people.  Until my friend JW shared a book with me this summer on Dali.  Even.more.interesting!  He has some great quotes which you can just google but here are some:

Democratic societies are unfit for the publication of such thunderous revelations as I am in the habit of making.
Salvador Dali 

Each morning when I awake, I experience again a supreme pleasure - that of being Salvador Dali.
Salvador Dali 

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
Salvador Dali 

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.
Salvador Dali 

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.
Salvador Dali 

I think I like the last one the best!!!  So I am beginning to chew through this.  He thought the phone and lobsters were sexual.  Time to work on thinking more like an artist.  I'll get back to this when I have something original to discuss about it.  Fascinating!

More info on the phone.  From:

http://nga.gov.au/International/Catalogue/Detail.cfm?IRN=2607

...also called the Aphrodisiac telephone at the time, a title in keeping with Dalí's wicked sense of humour and desire to baffle his public completely...Dalí's Lobster telephone was not 'absolutely useless', however, but was in fact a perfectly functioning telephone. Edward James purchased four Lobster telephones from Dalí, with which he replaced all the original phones in his country retreat.

And from:

http://www.tate.org.uk/servlet/ViewWork?workid=2988

Lobster Telephone  1936
Téléphone - Homard

Plastic, painted plaster and mixed media
object: 178 x 330 x 178 mm
sculpture

Purchased 1981

T03257

In the early 1930s, Dalí promoted the idea of the Surrealist object, of which this is a classic example. The Surrealists valued the mysterious and provocative effect of such unexpected conjunctions. Dalí, in particular, believed that his objects could reveal the secret desires of the unconscious. Lobsters and telephones had strong sexual connotations for him, and he drew a close analogy between food and sex. He made Lobster Telephone for Edward James, the British collector who was the most active patron of Surrealist artists in the 1930s.

 (From the display caption July 2008)

From:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A585344

Influences on Dali's Work
Freud
Dali was a great believer in the theories of Freud, and especially took to heart his sexual representation - that vessels were feminine and wild animals were masculine - and incorporated them into much of his work.
...

The Telephone
One of Dali's most famous works is his Lobster Telephone, a telephone with a lobster in place of a receiver. Dali saw parallels between the lobster and the telephone, and included the telephone in many of his works.

On Your Knees!

My body needs discipline.  1) Get your mind out of the gutter  2) yours probably does too!

I have decided this is why I have not dropped out of Bikram just yet; although I did only buy a 5 time pass.    The heat of the room is contributing to my persistence.  It feels much easier to stretch into the poses when my muscles feel all elastic-y already.

I also realized that if there is a "trick" it's that yoga only LOOKS easy, just like ballet.  It is a lot of hard work.  I dig having to focus in my body for 90 minutes.  I find it very peaceful.  You can't stand on one foot if you're mind is anywhere else.  Thankfully I was so focused I only noticed bikini-man waving his root chakra around again this morning for maybe 1 seconds.  Blecgh.

Lastly, I am understanding the physics involved.  Totally cool to make an adjustment and get the pose!  Love it.  Man, the human body is cool.  That's why I originally went back to school to study A&P.  Amazing!

Midnight

I'm liking this song by the RHCP right now.  I never looked up the lyrics but I dig them. I would copy and past them but I can't.  RHCP reminds me of growing up in VB, VA and of my semi-epic roadtrip with friends JHA and ZD.  Smiles all the time.


Running and yoga were great today!  7.5 miles and 90 minutes Bikram.  For the run it was my music, for the Bikram, it was the heat.  Yes, lift, grow, smile, renew.  GOOD.TIMES.  It just feels good to move again.  I had many many thoughts running through my mind so it was nice to have to quiet my internal monologue and just be.  


Now Mule Skinner Blues is playing, I love this song too.  I would love to be able to yodel like that.  There was a tv show on Discovery about Mule Logging, which is the same as Mule-skinnin'.  The first part of the series was swamp loggin' in Eastern Carolina.  If you have to ask where that is, please stop reading my blog now :(  ha!  Anyway, it was wonderful to hear their beautiful accents from this far away.  I digress, mule-skinnin'.  I can't find the original link so there's this one that Mike Rowe did:
http://www.tv.com/dirty-jobs/mule-logger/episode/950991/recap.html


Hmph.  The first part of the segment was in Napa at the cooperage there...my old stomping ground for a deleriously delicious year of decadence and despair!


Eventually I'll post something meatier than these train of thought entries...eventually. :)

Namaste Hardup

I have been laughing to myself about this phrase for a few days now since returning to a yoga studio, which, is kind of unusual anyway.  I am a repeat-yoga-dropout-offender.  When living in Boston my man and I decided to try yoga together.  He: jovial jolly Pacific Islander, me: uptight skinny white girl.  We plod up the steps to the top floor of a schwanky place around Newbury street hoping for some enlightenment.  He was the biggest and darkest man in the class with a family lineage familiar with the Sanskrit since before you or I were on this earth.  So it was HILARIOUS when our instructor, a fellow white girl, ended class by mispronouncing his name as she bowed in respect with "Namaste Hardup"!  IT.WAS.AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How do you not laugh after that?!  You would be proud of me, I didn't cackle but I almost snorted and I definitely was grinning ear to ear.  I think it was the third and last class we went to.  There were so many cute bars to visit instead!

Baby G is asleep now and I am looking up stuff like this on the internet while listening to some RHCP:
http://www.dibellayoga.com/documents/0602PhysicsAnatomyandYoga.pdf

Fantastic Tamastic

Baby G is still sleeping and I have bought all the Trance songs off of iTunes that I desire, so I got bored, and looked this up on google:
http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/diet/gunas.asp

I have done some reading on the yin and yang of food but this is more for me to peruse; maybe you too.  I have noticed that when I eat mostly "Tamastic" foods I feel horrible; even though "Tamastic" DOES RHYME with "Fantastic".  Ha.  Sattvic food is the "purest diet" and my experience supports this too.  Neat-o.  I'm not so down with the sprouted stuff yet.  Maybe tomorrow.  ;P

"Body and Soul, Body and Soul, That's how she loves me, with body and soul"
lyrics from "With Body and Soul", bluegrass, as sung by The Seldom Scene

More detox; an Anger Haiku

It’s not really me

you’re yelling at now is it?

Didn’t think so, fool.

5 is fine, 9 is divine

When I was pregnant I started eating more conscientiously.  Through the first trimester anyway, then it was strawberries and Sunkist and pizza.  I quit exercise and returned to hedonism!  I am not kidding.  Whoooaaaahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  I don't know how I only gained 38lbs.  I couldn't stand the smell of coffee or meat during my second trimester.  I only remember being huge and uncomfortable during my third trimester.  That summer, while pregnant, I was also taking an online Nutrition class through the U of A and one of our class projects was to track our food intake on some CDC website I think.  side note: there was no "pregnant" category when I did the diary, hopefully it has changed by now.  I learned that I was eating a white-trash diet of processed carbs, cheese and dairy products, and sugary-sodas with hardly a fruit or veggie on the radar...ping....ping.....ping.

Now that I am 3 days deep into my Bikram Yoga Winter detox, I am trying to return to more healthful and conscientious eating.  Eating more often, smaller portions, less processed, less meat, more fiber, more water, less sugar, yada yada yada.  But, I offer this website to you dear reader, and also as a reminder to myself.  It's colorful and fun and that's important.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.pbhfoundation.org/images/educators/teachers/activities/track/trackcolor01_tmb.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.pbhfoundation.org/educators/teachers/activities/tracking.php&usg=__0-p9oYfRRbNti_C6fqApkk_V680=&h=155&w=200&sz=5&hl=en&start=8&um=1&tbnid=5J02KrV4l4rxRM:&tbnh=81&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3D5%2Ba%2Bday%2Bthe%2Bcolor%2Bway%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26rls%3Den%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1

This chick with a blog also posted on it:
http://www.amandaavey.com/2009/03/5-is-fine-but-9-is-divine/

The original resource:
http://www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov/index.html

Christmas Night Dinner

Christmas Night Dinner 2009

Mumm Napa NV Brut Prestige

Sam Smith’s Oatmeal Stout-Stewed Roast of Beef over Onions

Dona Paula Estate 2008 Malbec, Mendoza

Red Skinned New potatoes in sage butter with snipped Organic chives

French Green beans with lemon vinaigrette, pan-roasted walnuts and parmesan dust

Puff pastry Angels with Jack Daniels Whipped Cream and 

Terra’s Strawberries in peppered Franciscan Cabernet

Mumm Napa NV Brut Prestige

Menthol Salve

Oh hell.  I tried Bikram yoga today.  Will I go back?  Short answer: Yes.  Long answer: Only if I have:

"What coroners and garbage men use under their nose to block the horrible smell".  

That's right.  It smelled like hell in there.  I would rather smell death and I have, so I do not say this lightly.  Blecgh.  To me death smells mildly like the seashore.  Flotsam washes up and reaches its final resting place.  But detoxing humans are still living (assumption) and I think that smell is worse.  One of the worst smells for me during my pregnancy was the smell of detoxing exercisers at the cush cush Fitness Spa where I was working through my 4th month.  OMG.  It was horrible.  Thankfully I never wretched but the stale smell of detox is horrific.

Now look, my nose can be a blessing.  I can impress friends with party tricks dissecting the aromas and bouquet of a fine wine; but my nose can also be a curse.  I took air freshener to the hospital for my daughter's birth because 1) I knew I would poop on the table and 2) I did not want to smell it.  I am serious.  The nurses laughed but I didn't care. Friends have told me that they think I could smell a frog fart, whatever that means.  I can tell waaaaaaaaaay too much about what a person had for dinner based on what the stall smells like when they leave the john.  Trust me, this hypersensitivity is costly and crippling.

So you should believe me when I say that doing yoga poses for 90 minutes in a sauna smells.  REALLY smells.  HORRIBLY smells.  I dug out some old perfume that I will put under my nostrils like coroners and garbage men so that I don't have to smell strangers detoxing.  You may be wondering if I was smelling myself.  The short answer is to a small extent yes.  But I don't eat a lot of meat and this stench next to me was a meat-lover-extreme detoxing.  High holy hell it is sickening.

Next time I'm not standing next to any men and I'm not going to be relegated to the back of the classroom next to the frapping heater.  Snap.  Below are some pix of what I'll look like...yep.......sure!

And there was a dude wearing this, but in royal blue.  I could have given him a prostate exam WITH.MY.EYES.  I think he may have wanted the guy next to me to do just that.  It was horrible, like a trainwreck, but I.COULD.NOT.LOOK.AWAY.  It was horrible.  I did not need to see him wag his *root chakra* around up in the air, pre-stretching before class.  If he was semi-cute like the dude in this pic, that might be a different story.  ;)  Merry Christmas!!!

Another Silent Night

In fitness, sometimes we say pain is weakness leaving your body.  But can't weakness entering your body also feel like pain?  Sadness also brings pain. Disappointment and unmet expectations do also.  If you sow pain then you'll reap pain.  Does anything hurt more than a broken heart?  I don't want to have to find out.  Pain is an early signal of trouble. Why do we ignore it sometimes?  Why do some of us ignore it all the time?  Why do I?  Wouldn't some pain help us out?  It should function as a tool, some kind of emotional bumper or a physical yellow light.  SLOW DOWN.  PUT ON THE BRAKES GIRL!  DANGER DANGER DANGER.  TRAINWRECK AHEAD.   YOUR LIFE WILL BE A DISASTER ON THIS ROUTE.  THIS CHOICE IS THE EQUIVALENT OF HITTING YOUR HEAD ON THE WALL REPEATEDLY.  YOU ARE SET ON A COLLISION COURSE.  I feel like my internal OnStar has been misaligned and misguiding me!


I took my driving school class today.  It was enlightening.  I had time to think about the people around me.  I had time to be amazed by how many people were there for speeding!  side note: I was there for failure to yield.  I was amazed to learn that Driving While Drowsy is more lethal than DUI. I was amazed how and why so many people justify speeding and being in a hurry.  WHY WHY WHY?  Is it worth your life?  Living our lives at an illegal pace is a good metaphor I think for Americans.  side note: I totally burned  out in college, had an awakening and decided I wanted to work to live, not live to work.  I'm still missing something though.  I must still be speeding.  After returning home and busting out an epic 80-minute run I was hit with more questions than realizations.  What is sadness?  What is hurt?  Is there one definition for pain?  Why are so many people depressed?  Who is a victim?  Why are some people so much more sensitive than others?  Why are some more vengeful and resentful?  Why is it so hard to forgive?  Why is it so hard to move on?  What is the best way to love others? One term I learned today was "proceed with caution".


If the answers to all of these questions come to me in 90 minutes of hot yoga tomorrow, then I'm sure I'll be in a lot of pain.  Yes, I feel weak because I don't know the answers to these questions.  Maybe the birth of the answers will be painful.  Maybe the realization won't.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Maybe answers won't be painful, maybe the heat and the moves will be.  They'll have to mop me and my too-small-Soffee shorts off of the floor with my puddle o sweat.  Think Dali's Persistence of Memory.  Uuugh.  The melted clocks.  The ants.  The skinny-legged horse!  My brain hurts.  I'm skeered.  Note to self: proceed with caution.


No matter what your situation I wish you a peaceful holiday.  That is the wish I am giving b/c it is the one I would most like to receive.


Here's where I hope to blossom into my best self:
http://www.yogavidatucson.com/


 All y'all proceed with caution!  Have some herbal tea or something.  :)

Christmas Detox

Been feeling like this:

Want to feel like this:

Oh it's coming.  Like a roaring tsunami.  The bottom has fallen out and the fe-rocious mount of liquid inertia is rolling.  I have decided that since I am not traveling this Christmas break and since baby G still has childcare, I am going to do something healthy for both of us.  Or crazy.  Or maybe both.

I'm riding such a good wave lately I'm going to try Bikram for 5 days coupled with cardio or weights or something else challenging like maybe just sitting still.  Deconstruct; reconstruct.  Break it down; build it up.  Gonna sweat out some demons.  There are so many changes coming on the horizon I figured I'd better get my best self ready to embrace them.  Yes.

Side note: best self = strong, flexible, sound.  I'll keep you posted.

My Tunes

Here's my ipod "Chill" Playlist I've been listening to almost constantly for the past week.

I think if you can sing a song, you'll never be alone

Remembering this has been helpful.



Amber 3:27 311 From Chaos
Whatever You Like (Single Version) 3:49 Anya Marina
Fire On The Mountain 3:49 Grateful Dead Shakedown Street
Soul to Squeeze 4:53 Red Hot Chili Peppers
Here Comes the Sun 3:14 Peter Tosh
When the Levee Breaks 7:08 Led Zeppelin
Didn't Leave Nobody But The Baby 1:58 Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch
That's The Way 5:37 Led Zeppelin
The Wind 1:41 Cat Stevens
Natural Mystic 3:26 Bob Marley
Ed's Song 2:22 Richard Buckner
Kate Rose 0:36 Richard Buckner
Reasons Why 4:09 Nickel Creek
Into Dust 5:37 Mazzy Star
Sun Is Shining 4:35 Bob Marley
Sweet Afton 5:38 Nickel Creek
Duppy Conqueror 3:40 Bob Marley
Under Mi Sensi 3:11 Barrington Levy
Southern Cross 4:43 Crosby, Stills & Nash
When the Stars Go Blue (feat. Bono) [Disclab Remix] 3:59 The Corrs
Soul Shake Down Party 3:06 Bob Marley
Take a Picture 6:04 Filter
Somebody's Crying 2:47 Chris Isaak
Wicked Game 4:47 Chris Isaak
Jah Guide (Acoustic Version) 3:49 Peter Tosh
Good Is Good 4:19 Sheryl Crow
Sweet Surrender 4:01 Sarah McLachlan
Building A Mystery 4:07 Sarah McLachlan
Satta Massagana 3:32 The Abyssinians
Night Nurse 4:10 Gregory Isaacs Night Nurse
Small Axe 3:57 Bob Marley
8:16 A.M. 3:44 311 Grassroots
Heaven Is a Place On Earth 4:06 Belinda Carlisle
Like I Love You 4:44 Justin Timberlake
Sugar Magnolia 3:21 Grateful Dead
St. Stephen 4:30 Grateful Dead
Uncle John's Band 4:47 Grateful Dead
Dire Wolf 3:21 Grateful Dead Reckoning
She Talks To Angels 5:31 The Black Crowes
Hey Baby 4:55 Stephen Marley featuring Mos Def Mind Control
Again 3:49 Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits
Always On The Run 3:52 Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits
Minister Of Rock 'N Roll 3:35 Lenny Kravitz Baptism
Heaven Help 3:10 Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits
Let Love Rule 5:43 Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits
Everything Is Everything 4:53 Lauryn Hill
If I Ruled the World (Imagine That) [feat. Lauryn Hill] 4:43 Nas Greatest Hits
Silence 5:39 Delerium Feat. Sarah McLachlan
Juicy 3:54 Better Than Ezra
Originator 4:58 Jimmy Cliff

White Trash Cookin'; Multitaskin' Mama

Ha!  I finally fired up the oven for our dinner rather than the microwave.  Marinated chicken breasts baked in a crispy potato-chip blanket and Spanish rice with peas.  I think I do a great job of pulling something good out of nothing at all.  Must be the gypsy in me.  Baby G was more enamored with everything but what I fixed!  C'est la vie.

I was quite the multitasker because we went for a 70-minute jog and I started dinner once we got back.  Thankfully she was playing with the dogs and picking up spilled peas long enough to remain distracted.  Then we all ate together and I took baby girl into the shower with me for the first time.  She must have loved it.  I did.  She sat at my feet in the tub the entire time and played with her toys until I soaped her up and rinsed her down!  A+ for multitasking-mama!

Now she's asleep after a peach-induced diaper blowout and leg-stuck-in-the crib moment of crying.  Time to pay some attention to the dogs and hit the haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

The recipe

Here's a link for the recipe I used for my amazing cookies:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/The-Best-Rolled-Sugar-Cookies/Detail.aspx

The only change was that I doubled the vanilla content...and I had to triple the batch!

Happy Baking!

2-a-days

Woop woop.  I am ready for the holiday break.   I am ready to sleep some more.  I am ready to possibly bust out some 2-a-days!  I'm ready for a healthy glow again!  Can't wait.  I'm tired of the post-baby-body blues.  Time to get.to.work.on.ME!  It's going to take some time but there's no getting around this kind of hard work.  Vicious.  And now it's cool enough outside to enjoy a run!  Here are some interesting links to ponder.  They make me super thankful that I am not an actress and that I do not get paid based on my looks.  That would be a living hell.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/fergie/115330/fergalicious.jhtml

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Miranda-Kerr-s-Workout-and-Diet-Secrets-114239.shtml

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-532608/The-bizarre-diet-secrets-stars.html

http://katelo06.xanga.com/678837817/celeb-weightloss-tips-and-workouts/

http://www.amazon.com/Dallas-Cowboys-Cheerleaders-Calorie-Blasting/dp/B002HK9INQ

Cookie-Run

Cookies were successfully bagged and placed in the break room.  Seems everyone appreciated that thank you.  Next, childwatch.  Then they guys at Bucks that fixed my truck!  T'is the season to offload butter and sugar for some serious smiles.
In other news I jogged 6 miles around the neighborhood with baby G in the stroller.  We were both smiling.  Much better than the treadmill!  At least 3 people noticed that her clothes matched the leopard-print stroller.  Hilarious!

What I won't be doing next year...

Maybe I'll just make one cookie for each teacher next year INSTEAD.OF.3.
WHAT was I thinking?
Anyway, almost done!  I'll be up before the sun to put the rest of the cookies in the bags!

No Sugar Tonight

I had high hopes of finishing the icing part of my cookie gifts tonight until I realized I had ALREADY USED the second bag of confectioner's sugar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAGH!  I did get to practice writing names and patterns on the snowflakes with the icing I whisked up from the last cup of sugar.  Again I'm a SPACE.CADET.

So then I decided to give each teacher a bag of cookies with a handwritten LABEL.  I was able to coat a few angels in blue though.

Now I only have this many more to ice:

Jasper's always ready to lick a dirty spoon or bowl!

Betty Mocker

I have been baking almost ALL.DAY!  I decided to make vanilla sugar cookies for all of baby G's childcare providers.  We're talking about 50 people.  I made the dough yesterday and baked off the cookies today.  I have finished the white icing on the snowflakes and some stars.  Tomorrow will be blue frosting for the angels and yellow for more stars.  Then I will write each teacher's name on one of the 3 cookies in their bags.  I thought this would be easier than making melting-frosty-cupcakes.  WTF?  Anyway, I have pix to show!  Martha and Betty got nothin' on these!!!!!

Back On Track

Ever notice how everyone is fascinated by a trainwreck?  D*mn.  Craziness is contagious and amusing to be around.  For a while.  Or a few weeks.  Or a few years.  Or so.
D*mn.

Space Cadet

I can't remember what I was going to write about tonight.  I have been a Royal Space Cadet the past week.  I think it has to do with being forced, due to external circumstances, to skip lunch.  I get angry when I don't eat lunch.  Angry.  Mean.  Snippy.  Hot-tempered.  Grrrrrrrrr.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday!!!!!!  I hope I can sleep in and work out and clean this house for Jennie's going away!  And, :(

Sleep in: past 6:30 and not wake up before then!

Work out: want to put a hurtin' on some iron.  Grrrrrr.

Clean: oh crap!  It's going to take a few swiffer pads to take care of the kitchen floor alone.

Wordless Wednesday; Giant Baby

Yes, I realize I'm posting on Thursday...

Biggest Loser

Wow.  I'm watching this show's finale and HOLY COW!  How do you lose a person?!?!  How DO you LOSE OVER 200 effing POUNDS?!?!?!  HOW do you lose 24 lbs in a week?!?!?!  Do they all have to run a marathon now?!?!  Sometimes I think I would like to be an ultra marathoner but it takes a lot for me to run 4 miles in an hour these days.  Eh. I am loving my glass of Fife 2007 Zinfandel.  Yes m'am.

The Perfect Drug

I am trying to decide how you forgive someone for making you their drug; their addiction.  How do you forgive yourself for letting it happen to you continuously in the first and second and third place....

Christmas is a Battle

Lately I have been going to church here:
http://alivechurch.com/
They're little gimmicky but the music is better than where I had been going and it's kind of like a nightclub.  They're relevant, younger, and have both the notes and the taped sermons online.  Today's message was that Christmas is a battle and that Dear-Lord-baby-Jesus' birth was an invasion.  *I was hooked*  Apparently he was brought here to 'destroy the works of the devil'.  Neat-o.  I never had actually thought of that.  I also liked that the pastor highlighted that, as any parent knows, it couldn't have been a Silent Night.  A-men!  I was all ears!

This time of year Christmas seems saccharine-y to me.  Perfect lights, music, nativity sets, ornaments, potpourri, confections and gifts and coated in the vapid veneer of holiday-ness, family-ness, together-ness.  Blech cubed.  Neither Christmas nor Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays because of this pressure/expectation.  I also dislike that anyone who can will capitalize on it.  Deck *this* baby.   "Peace on Earth" remains a notion.  Come on.  My favorite holiday is July 4th, thank you for asking, because it's warm, there are fireworks, and you can afford to see the people you really want to see and you don't feel obligated to gift them a crapton of chotchkes.

Originally I was going to write about how the holidays are linked with an increase in suicide rates but see here:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/503389/suicide_rates_dont_rise_around_the.html?cat=8
and here:
http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/suicide.asp
and here:
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/assets/alert16.pdf
So most suicidals seem to agree that "It's a Wonderful Life" at least enough around the holidays to wait and kill themselves in the Spring or August.  Wow, super great.

Flippancy aside, I have been chewing through parts of the Bible for a while and trying to understand more of Christianity and what it means to believe in -and live a life led by- the Dear-Lord-baby-Jesus aside from what I was taught, and memorized, and recited as a child.  I am still working through most of this but I know for certain that there is an Enemy.  I have felt this in the middle of the night, all alone, in metaphorical darkness.  I have been sleepless and paranoid and scared.  I have tried to numb the pain in the hopes to ignore it even in the middle of the day.  I have felt my soul die.  I have been left.  I have wounded people I loved with my words and actions.  I have felt empty.  I haven't even felt.  In a liquid haze of pity I triggered the snare of self-hate and regret for 10 years.

I don't think I was ever more vulnerable and alone than when I was pregnant.  Liquid-pity-party no more. Those 10 months have been the most challenging of my life.  While other moms and dads cheerily registered at Babies R Us for their firstborn, I was there alone.  I cringe when I enter the super-cooled warehouse now because it holds such a painful physical memory.  While other parents read pregnancy books and attended classes together hand-in-hand, I was alone.  I have happily given away or sold everything my baby girl no longer needs because I remember the solitude with which we acquired the objects.  I also know we won't be needing them in the future.  While other couples were reveling in watching their unborn move and spin and dance in utero behind a curtain of skin to a celestial soundtrack, I worried alone at night in an empty bed if everything with her was going to be ok.

Now y'all know I ain't gonna do anything crazy.  I simply want to illustrate how terrifying and isolating pregnancy, birth and motherhood can be for some of us.  Giving birth in a barn with a husband, 3 wise men, some animals and angels sounds a'ight to me.  Partay.  Having an army of angels or the 'armies of heaven' at your side also sounds pretty cool.  I think the Christmas story is universal because even if you're not a Christian, you can see and believe in the miracle of birth.  But even more universal is the battle between good and evil, light and dark, life and death.  THIS is the Christmas story I like.   That a newborn was destined to become a warrior and fight the battle for our souls?!  Radical.  Is there a song about that?

Guaranteed Delivery

Today I went to the Post Office (PO) on Oracle.  I like it better than Sun Station on Speedway but not as much as the one on River.  Anyway, there was a woman there sending 40 boxes to our troops.  I wondered what was inside of them...cookies?  magazines?  cards?  I almost started crying.  So beautiful. This was contrasted by the rest of us in line and the government employees behind the counter.  That’s right!  Plural.  There WAS more than ONE this time!  

I had just come from the gym with (hungry) baby girl in tow and 2 packages to mail.  I dislike going to the PO but getting two Christmas gifts mailed THIS early in the month was worth it; especially since I was neglectful with the Christmas gifts last year.  side note: Mommy brain is ‘insane in the membrane’ and last Christmas I had a 3 month old.  My apologies y'all!  I found myself debating which was worse: 1)make several manageable trips to the PO with gifts and baby or 2)make one big trip to the PO with gifts and baby.  I concluded that there is NEVER a good time to go to the PO and have chosen option #1.  Blegch.  More leg work but qualitatively less anxiety for me.  

While waiting patiently for the 687 people before me, I remembered that the PO is actually run by our US Government.  If you tamper with mail or a mailbox it is a federal offense.  And, if you want to claim a patent for an idea you should write it down and mail it to yourself through the US mail with a stamp.  I don't know if that's for real but I heard it.  Then I was thinking how fun it would be to see these PO clerks move behind desks in the Senate or Congress...and what would the differences be in how or country runs?  Short answer: probably none.  Would women (or other men) find them more attractive all close-shaven and manicured up with shiny moisturized skin and hands...with a fragrance other than Right Guard or Old Spice on...with the palpable sense of power and *atoritay*...with spit-shined leather shoes stepping out of a car they aren’t driving?!  I was laughing secretly at what ‘Mr. Mudflap-hair-Bald-head’ would look like in a grey-pinstripe-3 piece suit carrying a briefcase or how ‘Mr. Grey-haired-Crazy-eyes” would look addressing the House with his shoulder-length hair and beard.  Would they mumble less?  Walk with some swagger?  Smile?  Then, switch!  What would our Representatives look like sitting behind the counter selling the invisible transport of our goods, our bills, our presents?  Selling the promise of delivery.  

Both the PO and our elected Representatives hold a part of our fate.  One more than the other and depending on the time of year I think, or at least I think they’d like you to think.  They’re both pushing real paper goods and guaranteeing delivery of our unseen things of value; using chapped and chubby fingers to punch in numbers and determine a balance owed.  They’re both in uniform.  They’re both calculating cost versus guarantee.  I feel helpless with both, at different times of year.

First Visit to Santa

I've got to teach my toddler daughter:

1) not to cry at the feet of a boy or man but...
2) sometimes crying can get you what you want in life for Christmas and...
3) if a man lets you sit in his lap, looks intently into your eyes and listens to you, he loves you very much and cares about your feelings and needs he's Santa and he lives in the North Pole and drives a sleigh pulled by Rudolph with a brightly-glowing, shiny red nose.

Inspiration from the weirdest places

I love the new song "3" by Britney.  Here's the rockin' video:

http://www.britneyspears.com/2009/10/official-3-music-video.php

Here's a video made by some daring ladies in NY!!!  Love this even more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVeqNuHcb-I

Both of these links inspire me to :

1) get out and dance

2) be more daring

3) work on my flexibility

4) do more things that allow me to laugh at myself

Wordless Wednesday; Pink Puffer

New Runway Angel

So the Victoria's Secret fashion show is on CBS tonight.  I'm watching right now.  The Superbowl of Lingere.  Yay for Vickie to over-produce soft-porn images enough that women and men feel comfortable tuning in to jiggly boobies and bouncy booties on the flatscreen.  Add in some live music from musicians the Black Eyed Peas, post-walk interviews with the *angels*, we get to learn their names this year, super slow mo photography, voice overs of the runway choreographers, and all of a sudden THIS IS PRIME.TIME. TV Y'ALL!!!  Thankfully they let poor old Heidi Klum skip the walk in lingere- after 4 kids!  The term "retired breeder" comes to mind b/c this name is given to female research animals whose uteri are allowed to cool down due to age and overuse.  side note: after successfully carrying my one baby girl to term, I have decided I am a retired breeder.


So, what's missing from the live show compared to the catalog?  Photoshop.  Tragedy not that there are pretty images of pretty people in magazines, rather that some girls and young women think they must starve themselves to look like a pretty photoshopped image of a model...that they are worthless unless they look like HER. The tragedy is not the art, the tragedy is that girls and young women are dying to look like a 2d image!!!  D*mn, who wants to look like a Picasso or a Dali or a Monet or or or...you digg?  Art is rarely reality.  

"Gluteoplasty" is one of the most popular online searches today because of this headline:

Solange Magnano, a former Miss Argentina, dies after cosmetic gluteoplasty complications

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2009/12/01/2009-12-01_plastic_surgery_kills_former_miss_argentina.html#ixzz0YVCnJ9E3

Was she seeking a "butt lift" for her career, vanity, or self-image issues?  Maybe all, maybe none.  Breaks my heart.  She left behind twin daughters.  She's the New.Runway.Angel.

Brotherly Love

Man o man!  I can't wait until that "Brothers" movie comes out with Natalie Portman, Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal this *Fridaay*.  The picture for the ad hooked me; beautiful and simple!  Check it:
http://www.brothersfilm.com/#/?cc=&page=home
The question at the center of the film is painful though; what would you do, how would you act, how would you support your family if you believed the love of your life was dead?  The tagline is "there are 2 sides to every family".
It.turns.my.stomach.in.knots.
The drama.  The pain.  The loyalty.  The obligations!  The love.  Uuugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE. LOVE!!!!!  Then would you, could you fall in love/pick up shop/roll in the hay with an in-law?!  Wowzers.
On a lighter note, these actors look so young!  Are they really old enough to be married people with babies and fighting in wars?  Isn't Natalie Portman Queen Amidala still and isn't Tobey Maguire Spider Man and Jake Gyllenhaal Jack Twist-it-up-yer-*ss in Brokeback Mountain?  Where have I been for 4 years???
Side Note: I really loved Natalie in "Garden State"; that movie made me cry like a baby.  "Brothers" looks as painful.
Hmph.  Time to drink some wine.

Christmas Magic

I’m going to try and *commit* (eek) to writing an entry a day and sometimes this is all that’s on my mind!  I know, I’m relieved too.

I love that Walmart commercial where the aisle markers light up in turn with the song “Carol of the Bells”.  Apparently it’s 2 years old.  It makes me happy and it makes me believe in the spirit and magic of Christmas.  Depending on the week of the month, it sometimes brings me to tears b/c it’s kinda beautiful.  Way to tug at the emotions Walmart!  It makes me want to shop at Walmart, actually.  Magic!  And what would be even better was if someone in marketing would program the lights to actually do that.  More Magic!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXSwFEXRTCM

Christmas, man.  What was better than going to sleep and waking up with a ton of new loot?  Not much.  Magic!  Nowadays there’s so much more I want for Christmas than toys.  I’ll take a cue from my baby girl though and delight in whatever I get. 

In closing there’s also this take on “Carol of the Bells” which has made it so that I cannot hear the song without hearing ‘would you like an apple pie with that?’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMSaJ1KkqQI

More tragic than magic.

Go you!

Take off your cape and flog yourself

This phrase came up in conversation over the Thanksgiving Holiday.  Additionally, one of my friends got a cape from her husband as a gift, I am not kidding!  She does rock though, I’d probably give her a cape too.  

Maybe people want to be recognized martyrs?  And I mean more than a pat on the back.  Maybe they feel they need martyrdom to be important or have value or to be/have something they aren’t intrinsically?  I’ll borrow loosely from Merriam Webster and define a martyr as: one who suffers on account of adherence to a cause or faith or belief.  They also define a hero as someone of great strength or courage.

Marriage is a semi-exclusive direct route to martyrdom for some.  Laugh now.  You want to “stick it out” for the good of x or y or z or anything other than yourself b/c martyrs aren’t selfish, superficially anyway. And cause x or y or z is much bigger than you, your life, your desires, you, you, you.  And heroes are strong and courageous enough to weather the storm of unkept promises, lost faith, de-prioritization, and eternal like.  We explain that the burning in a fire of rage or bitterness or unfairness or, or, or... will make us stronger or better while elevating us closer to martyrdom.  Through the suffering and sacrifice of self you become better and by definition less selfish.  Less like you more like something else.  Small-nothing-you is now associated with something big and important.  Life in a crucible elevates YOU.

Now does this happen anywhere else in anything else?  Does this sound absurd yet?  Get burned at the stake.  Be a prisoner.  Be a scapegoat.  Host a parasite.

Motherhood is a less-exclusive yet direct path for others.  For most mothers the biological drive towards self sacrifice for progeny is hormonally hard-wired and emotionally irrepressible.  This is evidenced by a dizzying loss of sleep, loss of self, loss of sexual relations, loss of bone density, loss of higher brain function, and loss of sanity, just to name a few.  In some species (penguins and seahorses for example) dad does kick in.  Yay team dad.  But since I have first hand experience with the mother thing, I’ll stick with that.  Some moms lose their identity in their children, if they had one to start with.  “Who was she?  She worked here too?  I never heard her talk. When was her kid born?”  But look out for super mommy now!  These types know all the latest research, publish their own reviews, are involved in every d*mn play group there is and seem to know every developmental milestone or at least have an opinion about it and want you to care or at least be impressed with them for giving a rip. She was invisible mom before her kid and now she is the Martha Stewart of Mommies.  Oh, and she used to work but now baby is #1.  There is.nothing.else.  Why do you ask?  (Stepford wife smiley face here). I think I might rather be a hamster than her child.  Once the kid is old enough to have an identity and aren’t as dependent on mommy then they’re both in therapy.  Hero?

Then there are the types who overschedule themselves and their poor progeny also so that the whole lot of them are victims; slaves to the Joneses; doing what they think everyone thinks they should be doing but not really anything they want to.  When you ask a simple question mom instantly sounds winded as she begins a 30 minute monologue on the first 30 seconds of her day.  Or the moms with too many kids and not enough frontal cortex left to keep their names straight, even with help, “I can’t stop poppin’ them out!  They’re just so precious”  Martyr?   

But I can agree that the path would vary for everyone.  You have to own something before it’s your to lose.  If you don’t have a care, a personality, and opinion, or something of value to lose then what could you sacrifice on your path to martyrdom?  You can't lose something you don't have to begin with.  Can you suffer for or because of something you don’t have?  Can someone who is neither married nor a parent be a martyr?  Sure but not according to these examples.  Said single person might be a true hero.

I may sound bitter but maybe it’s only b/c maybe I wish I was a superior mom and wife. I wish I could weather the storm; I wish I had more to complain about.   I wish I had more to lose.  Oh well, time to put my cape back on.