Thursday, December 24, 2009

Menthol Salve

Oh hell.  I tried Bikram yoga today.  Will I go back?  Short answer: Yes.  Long answer: Only if I have:

"What coroners and garbage men use under their nose to block the horrible smell".  

That's right.  It smelled like hell in there.  I would rather smell death and I have, so I do not say this lightly.  Blecgh.  To me death smells mildly like the seashore.  Flotsam washes up and reaches its final resting place.  But detoxing humans are still living (assumption) and I think that smell is worse.  One of the worst smells for me during my pregnancy was the smell of detoxing exercisers at the cush cush Fitness Spa where I was working through my 4th month.  OMG.  It was horrible.  Thankfully I never wretched but the stale smell of detox is horrific.

Now look, my nose can be a blessing.  I can impress friends with party tricks dissecting the aromas and bouquet of a fine wine; but my nose can also be a curse.  I took air freshener to the hospital for my daughter's birth because 1) I knew I would poop on the table and 2) I did not want to smell it.  I am serious.  The nurses laughed but I didn't care. Friends have told me that they think I could smell a frog fart, whatever that means.  I can tell waaaaaaaaaay too much about what a person had for dinner based on what the stall smells like when they leave the john.  Trust me, this hypersensitivity is costly and crippling.

So you should believe me when I say that doing yoga poses for 90 minutes in a sauna smells.  REALLY smells.  HORRIBLY smells.  I dug out some old perfume that I will put under my nostrils like coroners and garbage men so that I don't have to smell strangers detoxing.  You may be wondering if I was smelling myself.  The short answer is to a small extent yes.  But I don't eat a lot of meat and this stench next to me was a meat-lover-extreme detoxing.  High holy hell it is sickening.

Next time I'm not standing next to any men and I'm not going to be relegated to the back of the classroom next to the frapping heater.  Snap.  Below are some pix of what I'll look like...yep.......sure!


And there was a dude wearing this, but in royal blue.  I could have given him a prostate exam WITH.MY.EYES.  I think he may have wanted the guy next to me to do just that.  It was horrible, like a trainwreck, but I.COULD.NOT.LOOK.AWAY.  It was horrible.  I did not need to see him wag his *root chakra* around up in the air, pre-stretching before class.  If he was semi-cute like the dude in this pic, that might be a different story.  ;)  Merry Christmas!!!


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